Trapping as a Form of Hating

Taken from the free book How Haters Help

As I mentioned earlier, haters obstruct the success of others for different reasons. Many do it for the previous reasons, such as reducing their perceived feeling of inferiority. However, some do it with good intentions. Some haters “hate” in order to protect the person who they hate on. I call this form of hating “trapping.”

Parents regularly “trap” their children in order to keep them from feeling the pains of failure or humiliation. For example, a child may have a seemingly crazy and incredible desire to join a team or do something out of their ordinary capabilities. The parent, desiring to save their child from humiliation, may persuade the child not to join. This is typically executed with some sort of carefully constructed reasoning that the child believes to be truthful and genuine. Most children intuitively believe that mommy and daddy have their best interest in mind, so sadly this “trap” is usually not recognized and the child’s ambition is snuffed without contest.

I am sure you can remember times you were “trapped” by your parents. Even the most loving parents trap their children (as indeed, they do it out of love). I can recall being trapped several times by my parents when I was young. Each time, the trapping was disguised and I did not recognize it as such until years later. One instance I remember in particular was in second grade, when I wanted to play football. My mother told me I “didn’t have the body for it.” I bought it and gave up. Today, I know the reason was that she knew my dorky little ass would be mercilessly dominated on the field, especially since I had not played any sports before.

In my example, I am genuinely thankful for my mother’s actions. I know that in second grade my desire to play football was out of a desire for “coolness”, not for the sport itself, and the time saved by not playing it was spent gaining the technical skills which I hold today. It was well-spent on things such as designing airplanes on Microsoft Paintbrush with my accomplice Andy and skipping recess to draft building floorplans in the school library.

Trapping is seen everywhere. Often times it is a bit more insidious than the loving protective techniques used by my mother. This action of “trapping” coincides with the development of America’s “everyone is a winner” education system. In an increasing amount of elementary classrooms, tests and grades are being structured so that every student receives a good score or recognition simply for being there. This has even pervaded youth sports. In some events, every single participant receives a trophy, regardless of if they have won or loss.

The idea that seems to be taking over is that children need to be saved from failure and only experience victory. This is believed to protect their self-esteem. On the contrary, children need to experience occasional failures to learn how to deal with the real world. Reality check: In the real world, not everyone is a winner! Children must learn how to deal with setbacks and losses. Only by experiencing defeat will they learn how to grow and improve. So, if you are a parent, do your sons and daughters a favor and do not “trap” them or shield them from defeat. It is the only way they can grow (assuming you provide proper support and guidance when they do fail).

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